I'm a pianist...of sorts.

I am a pianist…of sorts.  Having played since I was seven or eight, I sometimes joke, “I’m just good enough to know how good I’m not.”

When I returned from the hospital, I felt like I still remembered the piano - I didn’t remember my skill level before my accident (I still don’t really know what I was), but I thought I was doing okay.  I’m certain I didn’t practice enough - there was a lot going on with recovery and, being a high school student, practicing a musical instrument wasn’t highest on my agenda, but to me, it seemed there had been a hiccup in my musical life and now I was back on track.

But apparently something had changed.

I was in a classical lesson, showing my work on a minuet (or some other moderately difficult piece), and my teacher was frustrated - I probably hadn’t practiced enough and he might have felt he was wasting his time, but he finally spouted out, “Lethan, I don’t know what it is, but you just don’t have the same touch as you did before you accident.  You can’t play with the same feeling.  I don’t know what to do.”


I didn't know what to do either.


Don’t read this article as though my teacher was the villain or the crusher of creativity or anything like that - I don’t blame him at all - I think he was a teacher frustrated because his student wasn't living up to his potential.  That’s reasonable, and I may have been similarly critical of students I’ve taught.  He wasn’t rude, he didn’t yell, he just voiced his frustration and, in standard teenager fashion, I blew it off - apologizing and promising to work harder and maybe I did work a little harder for the next couple weeks, but soon after that I quit piano lessons.

I’ve never seriously studied piano since.  I’ve dabbled here and there, and if I see a piano, I’ll likely drift toward it and dribble off some musical parlor tricks, but I’ve never invested the necessary time to reach my full potential.  Partly this is because circumstance hasn’t allowed for this - I keep myself busy and musical study takes a lot of time - but whenever I do get an opportunity to work for a slightly significant amount of time on some music, I hear those words…and I wonder what I would have been able to do.

I don’t want to write this memory with a lesson attached to it.  I can see many possible interpretations - don’t give up, watch what you say, don’t let other people put unfair expectations on you - and if this story helps you with that sort of message, great, but it is completely unintended.  For me, it is just the memory that came to my mind for today.