As may have been clear in my most recent entry, I am not entirely happy with my current employment situation - the school I work at demands long hours and has an educational philosophy that I strongly disagree with. Furthermore, due to financial difficulties imposed by my last employer becoming a criminal and fleeing Korea (where I currently live), my girlfriend has had to return to her native country (Russia) until we are financially more secure. This is not the best of times.
That said, this is also not the worst of times - it’s merely a time that happens to have some difficulties. My world has not ended, nor are there insurmountable challenges. The next eleven months will likely be difficult in many ways, but they need no be damning. In truth, my life is not that bad - I have a job I don’t like and I’m lonely without my lover, but I’m alive and there’s a path to take to that will likely lead to a better future.
My girlfriend has dubbed a new verb to describe what we’re going through - we must “bamboo” through life right now. This means we push ourselves to continue growing in what is not currently the best of spaces (as bamboo is able to do) - and we must remain strong as we grow, toughening our skin (like bamboo) so that we do not even consider breaking under the stress of the current situation. For this reason, bamboo can be a symbol of our current growth in life - finding nourishment for continued growth despite difficult circumstances and using these situations to strengthen so that we will never break. We are bambooing it.
I share this idea because I believe it is an important state of mind to hold onto while in recovery. The healing process after brain injury, or other traumatic experiences, is never easy. Physically, one’s body is reconnecting functions that may have never been previously acknowledged, while mentally, there is a complete rewiring of synapses simultaneously occurring with a rediscovery and recreation of self-identity. This is not “a walk in the park”, but neither is it “a walk to the grave site”. The challenge of recovery is not to merely get past the challenges presented, but to accept and learn from them. To find a way to make oneself stronger and more resilient while remaining beautiful - to bamboo your way through the situation.
I know this is not a simple task, and I don’t mean to oversimplify the process - recovery is a roller coaster of trials that will provide far more falls and frustrations than epiphanies of self-reflexive contemplation - yet growth is possible. The challenge of a survivor is to accept what has happened and to see how that by dealing with the circumstances, the individual can improves his or her own character.
Yet keep in mind that the recognition of personal growth probably won’t occur as it’s happening. From my own experience, it has only been the 15 years since my rehabilitation that allows me to look back on my recovery and can see the lessons it taught me. Furthermore, I most certainly do not encourage anyone to receive lessons in any similar manner, but what I want to highlight from my experience is that I allowed myself to grow (though sometimes I had to be prodded by outside inspirations to do the growth). The roots dug deep and, despite despicable circumstances, they allowed my being to grow - perhaps, even, to grow stronger. I was bambooing it.
With this in mind, I will shout out to all survivors - life is not easy, it is not fair nor is it just - life simply is. We have to make the choice of enjoying it or sulking in miseries. To help with this decision, try bambooing it - we grow a tough skin while still reaping the nourishment from any situation that offers itself - we grow tall, strong and become hella hard to break.
This isn’t a fix-all solution - this idea doesn’t make the recovery process any easier - yet keeping this idea in mind can provide a supportive mindset as recovery continues.
Those are my thoughts, supplemented by my girlfriend’s terminology, but I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. I would also love to hear any stories of you “bambooing” it through a job, a recovery, or whatever your journey has brought you. Please leave comments below.
Monday, March 28, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Frontal Lobe Injury
In the piece “Who Am I, Again?”, the character Sarah (not her real name) has a moment when she shares - “Ever since my accident, I get real excited real quick…and then I also cry a lot. I don’t understand it - that’s just, how I feel.”
In brain injury, one of the parts that is often injured is the frontal lobe region, and this is the part of the brain that’s associated with aspects of emotional self-control. This damage can often lead to a tendency to overreact - to illustrate, when something is good it’s OMG, WFT, THAT IS AMAZING! but when it’s bad - the world has left and the only eventuality is death so why not shorten the wait. Please note, these examples are characterizations and not meant to speak for every case, but they do seek to highlight the absurdity these emotional extremes can reach.
As a survivor, I know the biggest difficulty that emerged from these emotional extremities was, and still is, my rage. It can suddenly swell from some slight, relatively mild, bruise of my desires or ego that wells into a torrent of rage and unanticipated anger - dominating my mind and body, though typically my soul is consciously criticizing each lash given by my other facilities, thereby causing the rage to increase - a sickening cycle. I’ve mentioned this struggle in previous posts, but feel it is something that needs to be acknowledged consistently because I recognize that - while my self-control has, and is continuing to, improve - I have not fully tamed that beast within my being.
This reflection brings me to one of my reasons for writing this blog, and my hope to use it as the base of a platform from which to encourage a movement in storytelling for medical and emotional recovery in brain injury and other conditions.
Brain injury is a hidden condition - if someone has lost an arm, that loss is typically acknowledged and most people will seek to accommodate that person’s needs. This is a good, altruistic instinct that is still deep within humanity and I am glad for it. In brain injury, however, the condition of a person is not always apparent - the body appears healed and so the assumption may be that the individual is healed, yet, as I hope my story reveals (and as any person who has close experience with brain injury knows), the healing is never truly complete. Many people have no idea that they know a survivor of brain injury, and my hope is that with storytelling, many can be made aware of these experiences and this healing process can be more easily recognized and better accepted.
I do not suggest that uncontrolled emotions should be made socially acceptable - the emotional control of a person allows society to function and must be fostered so that there is an acceptable behavior norm - but by encouraging the sharing of experiences, my hope is that those who do suffer from a lack of self-control are encouraged in healing and directed toward help. I was fortunate in my recovery that both my parents are open minded, dedicated researchers who were able to provide appropriate professional support in my healing and self-control regaining processes - I have no doubt this is one of the primary reasons for the success of my rehabilitation - yet I suggest that with more awareness of the struggles and successes of other survivors, many would be able to drastically improve their own healing and be guided toward the needed services.
These are my thoughts on the subject. I’m still researching and seeking more evidence to support (or refute) my claims. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so please leave a note in the comments below. I hope to chat soon.
In brain injury, one of the parts that is often injured is the frontal lobe region, and this is the part of the brain that’s associated with aspects of emotional self-control. This damage can often lead to a tendency to overreact - to illustrate, when something is good it’s OMG, WFT, THAT IS AMAZING! but when it’s bad - the world has left and the only eventuality is death so why not shorten the wait. Please note, these examples are characterizations and not meant to speak for every case, but they do seek to highlight the absurdity these emotional extremes can reach.
As a survivor, I know the biggest difficulty that emerged from these emotional extremities was, and still is, my rage. It can suddenly swell from some slight, relatively mild, bruise of my desires or ego that wells into a torrent of rage and unanticipated anger - dominating my mind and body, though typically my soul is consciously criticizing each lash given by my other facilities, thereby causing the rage to increase - a sickening cycle. I’ve mentioned this struggle in previous posts, but feel it is something that needs to be acknowledged consistently because I recognize that - while my self-control has, and is continuing to, improve - I have not fully tamed that beast within my being.
This reflection brings me to one of my reasons for writing this blog, and my hope to use it as the base of a platform from which to encourage a movement in storytelling for medical and emotional recovery in brain injury and other conditions.
Brain injury is a hidden condition - if someone has lost an arm, that loss is typically acknowledged and most people will seek to accommodate that person’s needs. This is a good, altruistic instinct that is still deep within humanity and I am glad for it. In brain injury, however, the condition of a person is not always apparent - the body appears healed and so the assumption may be that the individual is healed, yet, as I hope my story reveals (and as any person who has close experience with brain injury knows), the healing is never truly complete. Many people have no idea that they know a survivor of brain injury, and my hope is that with storytelling, many can be made aware of these experiences and this healing process can be more easily recognized and better accepted.
I do not suggest that uncontrolled emotions should be made socially acceptable - the emotional control of a person allows society to function and must be fostered so that there is an acceptable behavior norm - but by encouraging the sharing of experiences, my hope is that those who do suffer from a lack of self-control are encouraged in healing and directed toward help. I was fortunate in my recovery that both my parents are open minded, dedicated researchers who were able to provide appropriate professional support in my healing and self-control regaining processes - I have no doubt this is one of the primary reasons for the success of my rehabilitation - yet I suggest that with more awareness of the struggles and successes of other survivors, many would be able to drastically improve their own healing and be guided toward the needed services.
These are my thoughts on the subject. I’m still researching and seeking more evidence to support (or refute) my claims. I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so please leave a note in the comments below. I hope to chat soon.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Focused on the Future
You may have noticed that I haven’t been posting as often lately. The primary reason for that is my new job as an English instructor at the Poly School Academy in Pohang, South Korea. With this position, I leave my house at 8:50 every morning, Monday to Friday, and get home a little after 8pm each night. This has limited the time I can give to writing and research. My goal is to compose two postings each week (on the weekend), but this output may increase or decrease as the weeks roll by.
That said, I DO NOT LIKE MY NEW JOB!
I recognize that I am fortunate to be employed and that I am currently living a relatively comfortable lifestyle, but simultaneously, there are many things about this position that I find appalling, but I don’t want to focus on that - I want to focus on why I took this position.
This position is a crutch - a way to move me toward my future goals. It’s hard, long work hours and I don’t agree with the education system at the school, but it’s only temporary. It’s an event that is a part of my life, but it’s not not the whole of my life. It’s just a time that I’m using to get me to where I want to be.
Back to brain injury - it was terrible, frustrating, difficult, and at times seemed defeating - but it was also just a time. The goal (and eventually the result) was that I would once again become fully active in the world and share my ideas in an attempt to better this existence for everyone. Recovery can be merely a time to move you on to the the time that you want.
Life rumbles along, bouncing over bumps along the trail, but what needs to occur within a recovering person is the acceptance of this divot ridden path as a part of her or her history. I do not like my current job and I did not like my brain injury, but both are a part of the experiences that have made, and are making, me. At the same time, both these experiences are only part of what is me. Focus on goals - the reason you want to recover - and see each step as moving you there.
This job is only a temporary snag in life - I’ll work through it and move to the next adventure. Brain injury is a much bigger snag, but you’re alive and by moving forward, brain injury can also be a thing that you’re working through to move further along in the journey.
That said, I DO NOT LIKE MY NEW JOB!
I recognize that I am fortunate to be employed and that I am currently living a relatively comfortable lifestyle, but simultaneously, there are many things about this position that I find appalling, but I don’t want to focus on that - I want to focus on why I took this position.
This position is a crutch - a way to move me toward my future goals. It’s hard, long work hours and I don’t agree with the education system at the school, but it’s only temporary. It’s an event that is a part of my life, but it’s not not the whole of my life. It’s just a time that I’m using to get me to where I want to be.
Back to brain injury - it was terrible, frustrating, difficult, and at times seemed defeating - but it was also just a time. The goal (and eventually the result) was that I would once again become fully active in the world and share my ideas in an attempt to better this existence for everyone. Recovery can be merely a time to move you on to the the time that you want.
Life rumbles along, bouncing over bumps along the trail, but what needs to occur within a recovering person is the acceptance of this divot ridden path as a part of her or her history. I do not like my current job and I did not like my brain injury, but both are a part of the experiences that have made, and are making, me. At the same time, both these experiences are only part of what is me. Focus on goals - the reason you want to recover - and see each step as moving you there.
This job is only a temporary snag in life - I’ll work through it and move to the next adventure. Brain injury is a much bigger snag, but you’re alive and by moving forward, brain injury can also be a thing that you’re working through to move further along in the journey.
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