Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Question Concerning Lonliness

This entry posses a question, and my hope is that we can gather some thoughts on this question from survivors of traumatic incidents, brain injury and otherwise, in the comments.  Or if anyone else has thoughts, please share them as well.


But first, the question’s context - Ever since my accident, I’ve often felt like the one on the outside of a social group or maybe some accessory to a scene, acknowledged due to my role or duty in the situation, but not because of any desire from other people for interaction - not cast out or avoided, but never sought.  I’ve felt as the loner, though often not by choice.

For those who know me, these thoughts may seem strange - I have consistently been socially active and have a wide array of friends, but as my mind works, I often feel as though I am inserting myself among these social groups - they put up with me.  Its not that I’m not enjoyed or accepted, there’s just no desire from others for me to be around.  People don’t call me, instead I call to ask, “Hey, is anything going on tonight?”  I should also say that this is not how I feel about all people - I am fortunate to have an amazing girlfriend and I know she wants to spend her time with me - just with most.  I recognize, what could be considered, the baselessness of my beliefs and I don’t purport to have a solid logic tied into these emotions, but this is how I feel.


Tied to that, I recognize that many of my life choices haven’t followed the “typical” path, and this may have something to do with the sensations of loneliness.  Beginning with my graduate degree of storytelling, this is a solo performance art and is also a fringe from that struggles to gain mainstream recognition.  These facts make it hard to connect through conversations about the job - if a conversation brings up my passion I, and this could be a personal tick, tend to become a performer instead of a discussion partner by demonstrating my art.  While initially entertaining, I recognize how this might be tiering for extended friendships.  Furthermore, when the opportunity of teaching abroad revealed itself to me, I quickly plucked myself out of my home country of America and planted myself in Korea, where I didn’t (and still don’t) speak the language, yet still, in many instances involving people in my circle of friends, I feel as if I am accepted because I ask to be, not because I am sought.

Please don’t misread this as any deep pain or a cry for help - First off, this is not an destroying feeling, just a sense I get in many or maybe event the majority of social situations.  Furthermore, I am comfortable with perception of my current social position in life and have also been blessed to be in a relationship with an amazing, inspiring woman who I know wants me as part of her life.  I am not depressed about this, at least not anymore - I have come to terms and am happy with my social life, but am now seeking a better understanding.  I do not mean to suggest that any of these feelings blanket my existence, yet I also don’t want to deny that they exist.

Which is why I write this entry. 

And now the question:

Do other survivors of brain injury and/or other traumatic incidents feels a similar marginalization by society?  I want to know if there is any more of this sort of experience - I am interested in understanding it more and I think I can do that best if you share your story as well.  Thank you and I look forward to your responses.

No comments:

Post a Comment